theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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