I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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