quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
