no, he came in my armpit
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
