need another drink. this is the easiest way
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
