im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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