Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
