Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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