If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Houston, we have a blender
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
