Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
