I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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