my phone needs a breathalizer
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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