Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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