Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
