Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
