i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I believe in your delicious
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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