college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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