my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
