i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize