my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
