She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
