I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just blew my weed a kiss
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
