Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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