I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
