Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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