Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
