You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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