I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
