I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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