I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Randomize
