He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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