i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
