why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
