I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He shit in the fireplace
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
