I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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