I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
