I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
This is the high leading the old right now
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
