She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
