I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
