Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
