I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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