Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
