I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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