I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
