You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
