how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
