oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
BRING THE BAGELS
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
