You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
