my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
