So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
