so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize