JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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