I am in a vortex of obligation.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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