I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
