I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
