she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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