also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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