i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
